What have i become?

It's been a very long time since I last wrote on my blog, i know that I'm not some fancy blog writer, I know that i rarely even write blogs, I don't have any idea why I even started writing blogs, maybe it's because it's the only place where I can express my true feeling about the world, about the people around me, about the things I do, about the things I love or hate, or even about my life. Heh, but who cares, nobody even reads it, technically, when I write on my blog, it acts as a dream catcher, more like a memory catcher, it holds my memory from since when I started writing it. When i write a blog post, it's like expressing everything i have kept in my heart, everything that has been hidden from my true personality. If anyone of you who knows me, or had ever been my friend once, or even those who've just met me, most of you guys would probably be surprised if I told you that I'm actually a two faced person. That's true, I hide my feelings so that people wouldn't know my true personality, I always hold grudge on people that hates me but I never truly express my hate because I know one day, that particular reason for people hating me, is just going to die in the past.

Ever since I study in Melbourne, Australia, I met many new friends, most of them are Asians, we all do know how Asians are. Whenever I meet up with my friends, I will always put on a "Mask of Shame" which i named it myself, so that I can hide my true personality. I'll always act rude, and pushy and indecisive just to let them know that I'm not that kind of person whose inside is a totally different person. I want to show them that what I choose is right for me, which most of the times turn out wrong. I'll always get comments like "Das, your cooking suck!", "Man you fail", "You shouldn't even study in Monash, wasting your parents' money", and I'll be like laughing at those comments, taking those as jokes, but when i return to my room, where I'm safe to put away the "Mask of Shame", it's the time when I know how the real world is, it's not like what it's said in the TV, it's not like what it's said from the newspaper, this world, is yet cruel, and nonetheless, it's cruel not only to me, it's cruel to others too, that is the only reason for it to be fair.

It seems that I'm not ready to face the world with my current situation, it seems that I have no guts to face the world with my true self, I will have to carry around the "Mask of Shame" wherever I go, it's the only thing that keeps going on, that gives me the strength to find out the truth behind what's untold, that reveals the world's biggest secrets, that shows me what's my purpose of living, that gives me the strength to be me. No one would ever read my post anyways, even those who read will think I'm a selfish self-minded person who does not deserve to live, who does not deserve to be friends with, well let me tell you one thing, you don't know me and you will never know, because I will only reveal my true self when nobody is around me, you can judge me however you want, you can hold a grudge on me, you can hate me, ignore me, even thinking that I don't exist, but I will still be this way as always, nothing can change me, not until I have found my purpose of living. I know I'm not the only person in this world that lives in other's shadows, I'm not the only one who's trying to hide 'tis true personality, to be safe from the painful truth, so if anyone of you out there who reads this, I understand what you've been through, but I cant judge you for I have not seen your true personality, but if you do think that even you have the slightest similarity with my situation, just don't make the same mistake that I've made.